Domestic Violence

A Growing Pandemic that we Need to Pay Attention to

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.”

There is no acceptable reason for any form of domestic violence, street mugging or acts of terrorism in any given society. Nothing can make it right, no matter the reason given for such acts and it must be frowned upon at all levels and in all shapes that it appears.

The above quote about love and friendship is a Biblical passage in which Yeshua shared His thoughts on the life of sacrifice and how that death for a loved one is considered the highest form of love.  Love that is based on selflessness, compassion, kindness and every other good virtue we have been blessed with.

While not saying that death for someone is the only act of love that humans can show to others, it did point to the fact that, anyone who can go to the lengths of putting their life at risk to save others, or to preserve the life and health of others at the risk of their own, is worthy of double honor, for they love indeed.

But, with the many cases of senseless killings and muggings that are happening in our homes and the larger society, how do you make sense out of a situation where a person is killed by a supposed loved one, whom they are married to, or in relationship with? It becomes another case that is not of love and selflessness, but that of domestic violence.

When cold-blooded murder takes place in relationships, and especially when we are talking of multiple cases, then it’s time we sit up and ask ourselves critical questions about what is really going on. I will give a few examples that happened very recently.

On the 13th of October, 2021, news arrived  about the murder of Agnes Tirop, a world class athlete who represented Kenya at the Tokyo Olympics in August 2021.

Her lifeless body was found in her bedroom with a deep stab wound on the neck, according to the police. It is believed she was killed by her husband, who was later caught by the police, hundreds of kilometers away, in Mombasa, while trying to escape to Tanzania.

Just a day or so after the death of Agnes Tirop, another Kenya female athlete was also murdered by her boyfriend.

Then there is this unusual case of a woman that was raped on a Pennsylvania train in the US, while the rest of the car reportedly looked on, without doing anything to help. In fact, it is reported that some of the passengers were actually pointing their phones towards the scene of the evil act, suggesting that they were filming it, but none of them stood up to help. How is that even possible? You may ask. Well, I think we have created and nurtured a monster society of self-preserving, selfish humans that are next to zombies.

It is ok to take note that the victims of the first cases that I mentioned are females and more so, athletes and then think maybe there is something happening with female athletes in Kenya, but how do you explain the rape on the train and the non-action of the people around. That is shameful.

Here is what I think about domestic violence in particular. For there to be a situation in which in order to settle relationship or marriage differences, someone must die, then we need definitely have crossed the red line of reason. It is not normal and should not be treated as such. Meaning that this issue of domestic violence is no longer just a case of police doing their jobs to find the killers or offenders, which is a great thing for the sake of justice, but we need to seriously go deeper to see and understand why these incidents are happening in the first place. Like Reverend Desmond Tutu said, and I quote, “We need to stop pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they are falling in.”

It’s true things are hard for many families, communities and even the global space. Life has not been at ease of late and coupled with the madness of the pandemic, more families are dealing with more strains more than before.

But, even as I try not to be lopsided in my approach to this topic, I will ask a sincere question. Should partners in a marriage or relationship not think it wise to at least separate for a while when it becomes clear that the relationship is getting towards the point of bringing weapons of death to the bedroom?

Something is definitely wrong with our system of society

I copied an excerpt from a Facebook post written by a lady called Dr Wandia Njoya. She said:

“I’ve done my time talking about violence against men.

I’ve even done a vigil.

At no point did any woman ask  me why I’m talking about boys instead of about girls.

I have talked about violence against children, especially in the school system. At no point has anyone asked me “what about the teachers?”

Because when it comes to loss of life, it’s a finality. Man, woman or child. Death through intimate murder, by people who are supposed to care for or protect you, amounts to the same thing.

So heck, you have nothing on me when I say that homes are dangerous especially for women. And they are made more dangerous by this determination that we should not name it when they are killed. Because when we minimize deaths of women with whataboutism, we are telling other men “kill women again, it’s okay. Society will defend you.”

And yes, I have said the same thing about other forms of violence. And when young men are killed, especially by the police, there’s also an army of bots to give us the same whataboutisms about the police. They tell us “don’t condemn all police officers” when what we’re talking about is systems, social attitudes and trends, not about individuals.

A societal system that speaks love but eats hate

If you ask me, I will say the word “LOVE” has become the most used word in our society. Couples use it as often as possible between themselves, families talk about it with all strength, singers, artists use it like it’s the only life line for their arts, but, obviously, the usage of the word pales at the mindless acts of hate and violence that erupt when the true meaning of love is put to the test.

But is it not unusual that even in the midst of all these usages of the word love, and the many romantic things that happen with its usage, that the most wicked acts of violence are done in the name of love and for love? Or could it be that what we call love in our society is not really love, but selfishness and a controlling spirit disguised as love? That could really be it. So, the question is, how do we deal with this evil? Amongst many answers to this question, one that stands out, and which can really deal with the issue of domestic violence trans-generationally is that, we must go back to the root of the society, which is the family system.

Every violent man or woman we have today, was once an innocent child born by humans and raised in some form of family or home.

Meaning that when we begin to raise godly and selfless children who understand the heart of Ubuntu and how it is the bedrock of the society, then we will be sending into the future, selfless and compassionate men and women who are noble in their thoughts and humane in their actions. This approach may not readily tackle the already broken men and women we have right now,  but it will set the tone for a better societal system going forward. For it is better and easier to make and mold good-hearted children, than it is to repair broken men and women.