Becoming a Man: Redefining Masculinity
Recently, I sat at a nyama choma joint for a chat with my friend, Makini. * When the waiter brought our meal, he presented the meat as though he was unfolding a sacrifice and then exclaimed, “This meat is soft; not hard like men”.
We burst into laughter, after which Makini asked the waiter, “Do you think we are hard men or soft men?” The waiter did not directly respond to the question. Instead, he said, “If the boys are not guided, the men will not become”.
As Makini and I continued with the meal, he asked, “What about us? Can we confidently say that we had a good relationship with our fathers?” He shared with us about his biological father’s relationship with his grandfather. They had an almost perfect relationship with his father, and that was the root of all his social, spiritual, and professional wisdom. His father told him that it was from his own father that he first learned that fatherhood must be at the core of the universe. Yes! If the boys are not guided, the men will not become.
Makini’s father’s definition of masculinity is not role-driven, even though roles are important. This conversation touched on a problem with masculinity that is common in our society. Most of the time, we say what a man should do and rail against toxic masculinity, but we don’t ask ourselves what a healthy masculinity looks like and how a boy or a man perceives it.
In West Africa, they say, “Boys are made into men; they don’t occur”. The proverb captures the fact that to his daughters and sons, masculinity is the manifestation of a father’s courage, integrity, commitment, and compassion. Fathers are destiny shapers and future builders in the world, and that is why we need to ask ourselves what a masculinity that is not toxic looks like.
A few people whom I have asked this question have given answers driven by roles that sons can’t fit into. The available roles for our sons are super ones like soldiers, movie stars, and kings. These high expectations make boys ask, “When will I become a man?”
There is a great need to help boys understand how they can become men because, without direction and a clearly articulated process of becoming, boys will not see the importance of learning and growing to be men. If they don’t know the importance of the process, boys who become young men, husbands, and fathers will only retain their gender titles and fail to become men in substance. The spaces in our modern culture where boys are initiated consciously into manhood outside our social prescriptive role play, driven by a call to end toxic masculinity, are limited, or none. As we celebrate fathers who manifest courage, integrity, compassion, and commitment, we must remember those who are caged and immobilized by social and economic demands that are promoted as the definition of non-toxic masculinity. The boys must learn from fathers who fall and rise up, fathers who ask for forgiveness, fathers who compassionately stand with humanity, fathers who are committed to seeing transformation, and fathers who stand even alone against injustice because their hearts burn intensely to see dignity established.
This approach does not exclude those boys who do not grow up with their fathers, since every man has an inherent ability to be compassionate, to dignify, to commit their all for personal growth, and affirm integrity in a society. We need to prioritize remaining present for our boys, and responding courageously, based on the understanding that in every human being resides worthiness that can give affection instead of rejection, acceptance instead of shame, and affirmation instead of guilt. Sons and daughters need fathers who are involved in their lives, and who will love them, teach them, and discipline them. But clearly, sons and daughters also need a masculine vision. They need a manhood language of compassion, courage, commitment, and integrity. Similarly, every man needs other men to grow courage for when fear strikes, commitment in case resilience is depleted, compassion for those who are wounded, and integrity when temptation hits. As the wise said, though a man falls seven times, he rises again. Every man has that inherent capacity to rise again.
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